It’s yearend gremmies and we’re relieved. 2012 was a doozy. The first half was a frothy mix of sick and sideways with unemployment, marital woes, and chafing handies; the second half though, goof and I, we found better things. But you don’t care about that. You’re here for the funny – leastways our brand of funny, which not everyone has an appetite for. But then if I based my website around recycling news and telling you how to feel about your favorite songs, I’d be crabby too.

2012 wasn’t a prolific year for Pearl Jam. They toured Europe for a smidge, played three festivals and a corporate gig in the US, and may or may not have recorded demos for their next album. That’s about it.  And the jury’s still out on the demos. Our sources tell us it’s an elaborate hoax perpetrated by Dave Abbruzzese and that nothing has been recorded yet.

Individually, band members were busy bees however. Ed toured Europe and then the US, though the plan was originally to tour the US first. This changed when Ed threw out his back after trying to break into the twofeetthick.com headquarters, mistaking it for the gremmie.net headquarters. Don’t know how he got THAT wrong. Jeff Ament formed RNDM with Joseph Arthur and went color blind which is the only way to account for the excessive use of orange in their schtick. Matt Cameron joined a reunited Soundgarden and released a new album under that banner. Mike McCready….uh….Mike McCready? Stone Gossard’s band Brad released another album. And Boom Gaspar died selling sea shells by the sea shore. But what about Pearl Jam? Here are the top 5 things we’d like to see from the band in 2013.

PJ 20

Goof and I (along with go-tard Dirty Mike) attended Pearl Jam’s 20th anniversary show in the middle of nowhere in September 2011. In short, it was a fun weekend spent reminiscing with like-minded fans. We’ve hosted both shows on gremmie’s basement since October 2011, but neither are excellent quality copies. Since PJ20 was such a seminal moment in the band’s history, goof and I think the band should release the shows as part of their bootleg series. We know they were recorded. This year’s Christmas single is proof of that. While we’re on topic, isn’t it lame the band released two songs from these shows as the Christmas single? Why no b-sides like Strangest Tribe or Santa God? The more live recordings Pearl Jam releases, the less value each recording has to your average gremmie. It’s the basic affect of an over saturated market on pricing. Yes, yes we’re glad the band releases Christmas singles each year, but in context of other Christmas singles this year’s is on the bottom end.

But back to PJ20 – they should release these shows. Why? Because a majority of fans could not afford to make it and for such a special show, the band should bring everyone as close to the flame as possible.

S-VIP Treatment

Goof and I are special. Within the ranks of Pearl Jam fans we consider ourselves better than everyone else. And why not? Have you seen out fucking website? It’s like Scrooge McDuck’s vault from Duck Tales but instead of gold coins, it’s filled with guitar picks. The point is: we deserve better than you and you know it.  We propose Pearl Jam introduce a new level of membership called “gremmie”. The cost will be zero dollars, but rank higher than digital and analog. To gain “gremmie” membership you must run a Pearl Jam fansite of material value to the community. The definition of “material value” will be: 1) publish interesting, original articles (like TFT and GDN) 2) catalogue the expanse of Pearl Jam periphery (like pjcollectors.com and thecolorsblend.com) or 3) expand the technological boundaries (like the PJ Stat Tracker app). Sorry TSIS, you’re SOL.

The benefits of “gremmie” membership are simple: front row tickets for each show. Not shows we attend necessarily, all shows. If we don’t show up, the seats sit empty but serve as a reminder to all other Pearl Jam fans that they’re not doing enough for the band to get the good seats.

Celebrity Sex Tape

This is a legitimate ask. Not because we want to see the band get freaky (unless it’s with Star Anna, growwwwl), but because we already have a snippet and want the band to admit it’s out there. The timestamp on the tape (it’s VHS) says 12:00:00 1990, but that must be the default because it doesn’t change and the “cast” looks older than they did in 1990. The “cast” is: Dave Krusen, Dave Abbruzzese, Matt Chamberlain, Dave Grohl, and Jack Irons. We assume Matt Cameron is filming because he’s the only drummer not seen in front of the camera. Also present are at least 20 women of various vintage who we assume are groupies. It’s a short clip at only 1:32 but the quality is good enough that it’s impossible to dispute who’s in it and what they’re doing. We won’t go into detail on the manhood of each drummer, suffice to say that Jack Irons – WOW – monster dong.

Next Album

Press clips from 2012 all point in the same direction: Pearl Jam has been recording demos for a new album in chunks. But each time you hear it there’s no sense of urgency from the band. The latest chatter tells us that we should expect the new album in the first half of 2013. Whenever the album arrives, goof and I would like to see it finished and released this year. Backspacer was released in September 2009, so we are fast approaching the 3 and half year mark between records. Has there ever been a longer gap? Let us know in the comments along with how stupid you think we are!

We could write a separate High 5 on what we’d like to see n the new album, but instead we’ll just give you the short version.

  • Collaboration: more Glen Hansard on backing vocals, less usual suspects
  • Less Speed of Sound, more The Fixer: less meandering bullshit, more sharp, up-tempo rock n’ roll
  • Less The End, more Just Breathe: less naked, shite Ed solo, more textured, rich Ed solo-ish
  • Instrumentation Mix: less guitar effects, more cowbell

US Tour

With a new album, gremmies need a new tour. Sometimes I wish we had a statistician to help us quantify Pearl Jam trends. For example, if you look at the first few years of the band’s touring schedule it was probably geographically diverse. But, as time’s gone on, I think the band realized that they’re better off playing to their territorial strengths: the Northeast, the Pacific Northwest and California, and the northern part of the Mid-West. As the band gets older, playing out-of-the-way venues is probably less appealing. Crappy hotels, nothing to do in the city, etc. The mostly ignore the South nowadays and rightly so: Ed dipped his toe in that pool this year and was met with tempestuous results. But as I type, I wonder if this entry in the High 5 list is – to quote Ed – “bound out of ob-a-la-gation”. Meaning, we ask for a new album are we obliged to ask for a new tour? Am I not that excited about it? Is it just me or has the band started churning out setlists too close in content to one another? Or is that I have seen so many live shows that the only time I really get excited is when the band throws a curveball like Slow Lukin? Maybe I’m just getting old…or lame. Christ is there a difference?!

       

      6 Responses to the High 5: Pearl Jam in 2013

      1. Brandon says:

        I stopped reading at TSIS is SOL.

      2. eric says:

        totally agree that the setlists are less diverse. the missoula show was really disappointing in that respect although the fist encore was cool.

      3. Selin says:

        Now wait a minute I like stip’s guided tours! 😀

      4. Denis says:

        I like the style, even though I don’t always agree. Please, one Just Breathe is enough, especially when it’s played every single time. But then again, I went to 5 PJ shows in 2012 including both Manchester and both Amsterdam, so I can’t really complain about less divers setlists, can I?

      5. Ashley says:

        This is the funniest thing I have ever read 🙂 I am myself like you somehow and am a huge PJ fan….. <3

      6. Pat says:

        Yes,release those Alpine Shows. It would be great to get a blu-ray of the show too. There has to be a reason why it hasn’t been released.

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