We’re a tad late with this one since the Avengers film came out in May. We hope you can forgive us. During the movie, goof leaned over to me and asked with a mouth full of Goobers, “Which characters are which band members?” Immediately I knew what he was referring to and my brain mush began buzzing, trying to match the two: Column A members of the Avengers and Column B members of Pearl Jam. If you look at the Avengers’ historic rosters, they’re like revolving doors; just about everyone has been on the Avengers at one point or another. Here’s Pearl Jam as the Avengers.

Matt Cameron | The Hulk
Mild mannered. Gamma rays. Repressed rage. The beast within. Matt Cameron. I’m most amazed I was able to find a picture of the Hulk playing drums. I’d love to know the backstory on this percussive illustration. Was he part of a super group like Velvet Revolver or the Traveling Wilburys? Were they called the Super Duperheroes? This shit just writes itself. Cameron most resembles the Hulk for obvious reasons. First, his superhuman stamina. Anyone who’s seen the MattCam from Live at the Garden can attest to this. Christ, even AFTER he’s done playing a set, Matt Cameron bounds off the stage like a gazelle escaping the toothy jaws of a lion. The point is: buddy’s got energy. But he’s got strength too; he bangs the drums like he’s the last man on earth and only a pounding bass drum can save him from impending hordes of zombie strippers.

Stone Gossard | Ant Man
I couldn’t find a picture of Ant Man playing guitar. That I was able to find other Avengers playing instruments is testament to the oddity of the internet. But it’s fine, it makes for a good segue. See, it’s no surprise the Avenger most similar to Stone Gossard can’t be found doing something cool because Stone is such a boner. Look at that guy in the picture. No really, have a stare. Can’t you picture Stone in that dollar store weenie costume? That’s Ant Man. His super powers: a guy who invented the technology to grow and shrink at will. That’s it. It’s got Stone’s “also ran” all over it. Once band’s avatar, he figured out a way to literally be “bigger” than his new masters. Pat on the back there Napoleon. Nothing says chieftan like blue underoos and a chip on your shoulder.

Mike McCready | Iron Man
The thing about Iron Man is that he’s a human being. He’s not a demi-god like Thor or a unstoppable rage monster like the Hulk. He’s a dude in a robot suit. Take him out of that suit and he’s as approachable as the next guy. But in that suit he blows away audiences with behind the back Evenflow solos. And bro-man doesn’t show up to a concert without his suit. McCready can do anything in that suit. Fly. Withstand bullets. Mack it to Gwyneth Paltrow. On a side note, does that make Star Anna War Machine? Am I in love with War Machine?

Eddie Vedder | Captain America
If you read the Civil War storyline Marvel put out in 2006-2007, you’d know that Captain America is not a company man. The gist was after the Superhero Registration Act, the government required those with super powers to register. Some superheroes, including Cap, argued that heroes required secrecy in order to protect aspects of their ‘normal’ life, such as wives and children, and to allow them to act in whatever means necessary against threats which the ordinary emergency services couldn’t cope with. In short, Cap was the anti-Ted Nugent. And really, isn’t Ed the anti-Nugent?

Jeff Ament | Thor
I bet when Jeff Ament had hair it looked a lot like Thor’s. It’s been a while and since he’s wears so many hats, it’s difficult to tell. Though I’m pretty sure Jeff once wore Thor’s helmet on the 2000 Euro tour I also saw him conjure lightning from the sky at Nassau Coliseum once, but maybe it was the LSD talking. Thor is a demi-god which in Latin translates to “sort of God”. Jeff Ament is a sort of God; the guy wrote Low Light and Other Side, but also wrote Sweet Lew and Bee Girl. So, you know, two steps up two steps back.

 

BONUS! Boom Gaspar | Sasquatch
Now some of you may say that Sasquatch was never in the Avengers. Yeah that’s true, he was in Alpha Flight. But they’re basically the Canadian version of the Avengers so get over it. I mean, they got a guy called Guardian who has a big maple leaf on his costume, like a less interesting version of Captain America. Close enough. Anyway, like Sasquatch Boom Gaspar may literally cast a big shadow over the band, but quite unlike Sasquatch without him it would take someone pointing it out before you realized he was gone. He’s furry like Boom. And he’s strong like Boom. Goof once saw him pick up the entire band backstage in a pre-show hug. It looked like a bear hugging 5 bowling pins. It was adorable.

       

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