Hello gremmies. In an effort to bring you content other than rare Pearl Jam audio, allow me to introduce The High 5. Every so often we’ll be introduce a humorous, Pearl Jam-centric top 5 list. Enjoy.

Ed Vedder: Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!!
Ed singing with Chris Cornell on Hunger Strike is tantamount to Little Mac dropping Bald Bull with a single gut punch during the Bull Charge. The new kid on the block steals the show from the reigning champ. Ed came to Seattle with something to prove. He had just parted ways with Bad Radio and was a rudderless gas station attendant in San Diego. His father wasn’t his real father, his real father was dying, and his mother couldn’t find a Betterman. You can’t write more ripe underdog stories than this. Ed is the guy you want on your side during  a bar fight because you know just beneath the surface lies a raging madman seeking to project his anger onto the guy who accidentally spilled beer  on his friend’s shoe. Plus, couldn’t you picture Ed training in a pink sweatsuit before a tour?

Matt Cameron: The Legend of Zelda
The protagonist in the Legend of Zelda is a diminutive boy with a wooden sword named Link. He’s got elven shaped ears, wears a green tunic, and plays with fairies. Matt Cameron he is not. However Link, during the course of his adventure, proceeds to ward off giant one eyed spiders, ambush blue armor-clad knights, and then slays a fucking dragon. This is Matt Cameron, Pearl Jam’s warrior. He’s the guy you weren’t sure about at the start when Jack Irons had to bail. Sure he had some pedigree, but at first we were all skeptics. Evacuation didn’t help matters. Neither did Get Right. But, if you’ve had the chance to see the Matt-Cam you know, Matt Cameron is a dragon-slayer.

Stone Gossard: Golf
Let’s face it, Stone Gossard is the least interesting member of Pearl Jam. Having met him in Barcelona in 2000, I can resolutely confirm. The man is pleasant, but bland; like a tepid cup of black tea you’re not sure you feel like drinking.  He’s the kind of guy you invite to watch your softball game, but don’t invite out afterward because you’re afraid your friends will think less of you. Why Golf? Because gremmies, we both know he plays it every weekend. And in between the 8th and 9th holes he’s on his cell complaining to Kelly Curtis that the margins on the 2010 bootlegs aren’t fat enough and how can we make more money on them?

Mike McCready: Rampage
Out of the three monsters in Rampage, McCready most closely resembles Ralph, the giant Wolf. A howling animal on stage, he’s unpredictable; like the Army men and tanks in the Peoria, Illinois level of Rampage. I never could reconcile the depletion of 10% of my character’s health on account of a single bullet. I mean, aren’t these hulking beasts made of steel? I digress. Doesn’t matter what city you wind up in, McCready is going to destroy it with a 10 minute, behind the head, Evenflow solo.

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Jeff Ament: NBA Jam
Bass player. Skateboarder. Humanitarian. BALLER. Jeff Ament is the jockstrap of Pearl Jam’s uniform. A basketball player in high school and college (University of Montana), Jeff also joined MTV’s Annual Rock N’ Jock Basketball in 1992 and 1993. And just like NBA Jam, when he gets going – HE’S ON FIRE! Did you see him tear up Sweet Lew at MSG II ’10? Remember all the hidden characters in NBA Jam? Couldn’t you imagine Ament as one? A mountain man with a goofy hat whose secret code is “PJM”?

       

      2 Responses to The High 5: Pearl Jam as NES Games

      1. arq says:

        oh gremmie you connected 2 things very close to my heart PJ and NES 2, very nice post, my only concern is why you put Stone in a better light!, he deserve a game like tetris!

        • gremmie says:

          Happy to oblige. We figured there are 100,000 people who grew up with the same toys in their playpens. I fondly remember fighting Ridley in Super Metroid while listening to Evenflow. Soundtrack to our lives.

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