The Ten Club is your friend. They handle your ticket requests, hand-pack your merch, fix your Pearl Jam iPhone App, and answer the phones when you call to complain the Christmas single was late – AGAIN! And they do it all with a smile. The point is: the Ten Club does a lot for its members. But, for every 100 loyal, appreciative members, there’s a loyal, perpetually dissatisfied one. Neither goof nor gremmie count themselves in the latter category, but know enough of them that we think it’s worth trying to decipher their manic brains. Here are the top 5 things grumpies wish the Ten Club did for them.

1. Increased server capacity during online sales.

Why: Because everyone hates seeing the error 404 page even though it’s amusing.

Complaint: “I got locked out of MSG I AND II in 2010 and I’ve been in the TenClub since before Eddie could legally drink!” says gremmie ‘dirtyfrankdollmerr45’.

Why It Probably Won’t Happen: Only a handful of popular cities experience server crashes during the circus that is ticket sales on pearljam.com. The notorious three are: Philadelphia, New York, and Boston. Though goof and gremmie don’t have a firm grip on the cost of increasing server capacity – it’s not really the issue. Because these cities are immensely popular amongst fanclub members, the process is going to be a clusterfuck whether the Ten Club is running ticket sales off an Apple II-e or the server farm from the Matrix. The current format is no different than when kids lined up outside record stores for hours just to get tickets. Why? Because in the end the more time you put in, the better your chances are – even if it means sitting in front of a computer for 6 hours hitting F5.

2. Give lapsed members their member numbers back.

Why: Because everyone deserves a second chance.

Complaint: Steve Montgomery writes,”I joined the TenClub back in 1991. Yeah, I may not have been the FIRST damn member, by my original number was 3 digits, not 6. I think it was 955. And while we’re on-topic, why do people put three x’s at the end of their number when they type it? Like ‘Oh my Tenclub number is 150,xxx.’ Why do people do that? It’s not like it’s a big secret. No one cares what your last three digits are! Hell, the last three digits of your Tenclub number are the LEAST important ones! Unless of course you’re me and only have 3 digits! or HAD anyway. These are probably the same people who sneak their own candy into movie theaters and fancy themselves clever. Anyway, I let my number lapse in 1995 because I was in college and was mostly stoned. I didn’t re-up until 2001 and now my number is 201,xxx (haha)!”

Why It Probably Won’t Happen: Tenclub does give members a grace period when their membership lapses (up to 60 days). gremmie let his lapse some years back then re-upped a few months later. A little sweet talking and a mental note go a long way. Plus, most Ten Clubbers know you can re-up for more than one year at a time. gremmie is good through 2020.

3. Release the Christmas Single on time.

Why: See here for why. Ed calls it the Christmas Single; it must be so.

Complaint: Each year as we near the holidays, Pearl Jam fans create threads on Synergy like this. These conversations start out goofy, but without fail devolve into a serial of trenchant comments and entitled claims to punctual release dates. gremmie.net doesn’t monitor the history of the Christmas single year-over-year, but has noticed a correlation between the band’s age and elasticity of the release dates.

Why It Probably Won’t Happen: It’s not called the Christmas single, it’s called the Holiday single. And, if Tim Bierman had his way, it would be called the Annual single. They say ambiguity is the best hedge. The Annual single doesn’t have a firm release date because while it’s nice treat for fans, it’s not the first thing the band thinks of in the morning before brushing their teeth. Though we imagine Stone doesn’t brush his teeth, instead hiring a maid service to come in and do it for him. Think of the single like Mom asking Dad to fix the leaky faucet: he’ll get to it eventually, but the house won’t fall down today if he doesn’t.

4. Find us a Betterman.

Why: Because this is one of longest & oldest threads on Synergy. That and the thread on Pearl Jam playing the South. See here for more.

Complaint: Pearl Jam has soothed the blistering souls of boys and girls for 2 decades. They’ve entertained fans with unique, energetic shows. They’ve thrown themselves in front of moving trains for causes in which they believe. Why can’t they also help me find my soulmate? Surely there exists a deep pool of hotty, hardcore 20-somethings on the Ten Club registry.

Why It Probably Won’t Happen: Because if your launch point for a healthy relationship is your hardcore interest in a single band, you’re starting off the race with one arm tied behind your back. Also, see here (the first set of quotes). The purported Pearl Jam soulmate is Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the male-affectionate lesbian rolled into one.

5. Stop deleting my posts on Synergy.

Why: Because you really didn’t know you couldn’t post links to Ed Vedder solo shows or call people all of the seven dirty words in the “Top Number 4 songs from each Album” thread.

Complaint: Synergy is the official BBS of pearljam.com. Pearl Jam is a rock band whose advocacy often includes free speech. So why can’t I say what I please, how I please in this forum?

Why It Probably Won’t Happen: Because you’re probably a jerk but no one’s told you yet. Filling out the registration form on the BBS doesn’t give members carte blanche to treat fellow gremmies like a Creed fan at a Pearl Jam show. It’s also not “Rock n’ Roll” or subversive to break the rules imposed by the Ten Club because your free speech  manifesto doesn’t agree with them. Yeah sure sometimes Kat and Sea seem like content Nazis – deleting threads that toe the line – but that’s their job: creating an environment where a majority of fans feel comfortable expressing their views on Pearl Jam.

       

      4 Responses to The High 5: Ten Club Wishlist

      1. Laura says:

        Excellent list! Very eloquently said.

      2. Tim says:

        how about #6. Stop shaking members down with the new two-tiered membership bs.

      3. o zesz ty w morde says:

        yeah, i was just thinking the same.. all in all i got the analog one..:)

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