gremmie.net

I just read this hilarious little bit from the Onion’s collection of virginity stories.

My first time was in high school. When the moment came to finally get it on, I laid her down on the couch, climbed on, and slowly slid in. After a few seconds I felt an uncomfortable friction, which I was afraid to mention. Another 10 seconds and the friction was becoming painful. I remember thinking, “I don’t see what the big deal is, this kinda hurts.” Then I finished, looked down, and realized I was pumping between the cushions of the couch. The only thing that made it worse was the look on her face: a combination of frustration and pity.

I Lost It To A Couch

As temperatures in New York reach hyperborean levels, gremmies everywhere are keen to get on with the holidays. Did I say ‘holidays’? I meant ‘Christmas’. Pondering my choice of words, I surmise I went with “holidays” because of modern pontificators’ longing to make our country the pinnacle of the politically correct being beaten into my subconscious. This conjecture though is a catachresis, a word used wrongly in a determined context. Actually, I just wanted to use catachresis in a sentence. Anyway, it’s not “holidays”, it’s “Christmas”. Sure there’s CHAUnukah and to a much lesser extent, Kwanzaa - which is a silly “Look at me.” holiday - but it’s Christmas that elicits the spirit of the season. When was the last time any of you gremmies saw a Minorah dangling from a lamp post in town? How about carolers singing about Kiwanis? Instead it’s a wreath, festive lights, or songs about Santa, and Silent Nights.

Moving forward, what in holy hell is a ‘holiday tree‘? Did some ostensibly “for the people” autocrat invent a faceless holiday to be celebrated by no one in particular and decide it was a good idea to flat-out pilfer the long standing tradition of a Christmas tree just so a celebration could be had while earnestly NOT offending anyone? Was this guy so jazzed as to not offend anyone that he forgot he was offending each and every God fearing Christian in the country? ‘God fearing’ is a funny term isn’t it? I digress.

The point of this entry is far from what I had intended. I had started with the title, “The Insufferable Lineage of the Girl” and the entry was going to be about this Gremmie’s history with ‘the girl’. A sincere homage to those that were; I was even going to explain the nicknames. The culmination of the entry was going to center around Plums, aka Jade, aka Jillian Dodge. So it goes.

This morning Jillian and I awoke to monster chunks of wispy snow falling from the sky. If God had wicked dandruff, he sure was shaking it all out late last night and into the morning. That band called Pearl Jam wrote a song in 1992 and released it on their annual Christmas single titled “Let Me Sleep”. A slight departure from the heavy handed sound of their eariler days, this song elicits memories of the battle in every kid’s head on Christmas Eve between restlessness strung from excitement and deperately wishing you were already asleep. Click on the song title for a greMP3 of the song. It should play in iTunes, if not though, certainly Windows Media Player.

Let Me Sleep

cold wind blows on the soles of my feet
heaven knows nothing of me
i’m lost, nowhere to go
oh when i was a kid, oh how magic it seemed
oh please let me sleep, it’s christmas time

flowered winds was where i lived
thought you burned, not froze for your sins
oh i’m so tired and cold
oh when i was a kid, oh how magic it seemed
oh please let me sleep, it’s christmas time

oh when i was a kid, oh how magic it seemed
oh please let me sleep, it’s christmas time
oh oh when i…if i was a kid, oh how magic it seemed
oh please let me dream, it’s christmas time

It snowed 2 nights ago in New York. It was a timid snow fraught more with slush than the sweet white; leaving behind an icy sheen on the streets and sidewalks. A journeyman’s rink. A precursor to winter. After all - it’s still Fall. Since I don’t have any structured original thoughts running through my mind, I will instead mimic the placid and laconic lists kept by Goof.

Gift Giving: The act of, once the bane of my season, now trumps the below task of Gift Receiving (’i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’). On the list of those who have been naughty are my sister Kyla and to a lesser extent, Jillian - though for entirely different reasons. Gift giving becomes more important as you age - or should anyway - as the smile on someone else’s face suddenly and inexplicably serves as a reminder that you’re not such a miserable bastard after all. Of course if you bought the wrong gift….

Gift Receiving: Once the pinnacle of the Christmas season, or as the Jews say, “Holiday” season, gift getting - while still retaining most of its luster - just doesn’t give me the proverbial “boner” it once did. I’m quite looking forward to getting some great things from Jill as she has wonderful taste and shortly discovered what interests me and what does not. Plus it can’t be worse than last year.

Starbuck’s Peppermint Spice Latte: Psyche.

Blizzards: This isn’t as much a Christmas effect as it is a wintry one, but the bitter snapping cold illicits warm memories of waking up on a Tuesday morning knowing, only by child-like intuition, that I didn’t have school that day. More recently, this translates to work even though the stock exchange only closes as a result of cataclysmic events. Ever see Dante’s Peak?

Excuses: The frigid nature of winter lends itself to a whole volley of excuses that while just barely legitimate, are viable enough to justify even the most assinine of situations.

Example:

Goof: Hey man, let’s go watch the Gremmie International Dodgeball Tournament at Mother Earth’s Cafe.
King: Are you crazy? It’s freezing outside!
Goof: Yeah but we’re gonna watch it on this crazy new thing called a TV, they’re indoors - you know, where it’s WARM.
King: Warm? TV’s? It’s all Greek to me pal. All I know is that I am not going out into the Tundra. It’s wicked cold out.
Goof: What are you from Boston? Fine. We’ll just watch it here at our place. Do you want a beer?
King: A beer? It’s freezing outside!
Goof: That doens’t make any sense you moron.
King: Yeah well suck it.

or

Jill: Matt why aren’t you wearing any pants?
Matt: Forget pants, the real question is why am I not wearing underwear?
Jill: Ok….why? Bceause it’s cold?
Matt: You know me so well.